Having cocktails with my girlfriend one day she asked me if I started my “Christmas Wish List” this year. I sat back in my chair, took a sip of my wine, and pulled out a pen and paper and started making my list and checking it twice.
Dear Santa, I wish…
1) To never clean again; to have the freedom to get up in the morning, leave the bathroom a mess, my bed un-made, and dishes in the sink and not have an anxiety attack about the “double work” I would have to do when I get home.
2) To never do laundry—I’ve seen enough shit roll-ups in my time that would have Arm and Hammer throwing in the towel.
3) To never dress a man again—if a 45 year old can’t look in the mirror before he has to go through inspection knowing he may hear statements like, “You don’t match,” and, “Your shoes are on the wrong feet,” he doesn’t have the right to have a grand mal seizure temper tantrum on the floor and call me a bitch.
4) To never again have this question cross my mind at two o’clock in the afternoon so that it ruins the rest of my day to the point where I can’t even function at work at my highest level: “What the hell am I gonna cook for dinner?”
5) To have a restful night’s sleep without being waken up by the sounds of the “21 gun salute” or snoring so loud that it sucks all the oxygen out of the room and I can’t breathe.
6) To never again have to deal with any extended family matters. I now follow the “don’t call, don’t ask and don’t care” policy because I have my own problems.
7) To never again take on being everyone’s personal assistant, secretary, life planner, and taxi driver. My new motto is, “figure everything out yourselves, make your own phone calls and arrangements. I’m going on strike.”
8) To go places where my husband has planned for the family to attend and then bitch and moan the entire car ride because it’s somewhere that I don’t feel I necessarily want to go. And not to mention he could have just gone himself to represent the family.
9) To never multi task for anyone else ever again besides myself. It’s the reason why I am making this list in the first place.
10) For my husband to lose his life time membership in “the comfort zone” and give up his rights to the TV remote, A.K.A… the clicker.
11) To have kids who understand the meaning of, “this is my house” without me having to stand up for my rights and form a picket line outside with police surveillance each time they don’t abide by the laws of “my country.”
12) For my husband to feel what I feel by “getting his period” and having to do all the things I deal with on this list while he is doubled over with cramps and hemorrhaging all without Advil!
13) And finally… I wish to come home to the aroma of comfort foods filling the air and the sweet sound of a wine bottle being opened. And not because I got up at 6 am and put everything in the crock pot and picked up wine myself, but because someone else decided to do something they never did before.
That is my ultimate Christmas wish list. My girlfriend looked at me and said “Well, wishful thinking is a start. Don’t stop believing.” Not convinced by her words, I put down my paper, sat back in my chair, picked up my wine glass, and drank it down like water and said, “Is there any way I can get myself a first class ticket on the Polar Express?