At my wit’s end one evening, I decided to pour out this conversation to my girlfriend: I said, “What the hell ever possessed me to get married and have kids? It’s like this whole family thing….I just don’t want to deal with it anymore. I feel like everyone has attached their tentacles on me and I am trying to cut them off but the more I try to break loose, the tighter they latch on. And now it’s to the point of no return and I feel like I am being choked to death!”
As she poured both of us a glass of wine, I made a toast and said, “Here’s to making the world go away,” and I shut off my cell phone. Yup—it’s official; I am cut off from the outside world for this happy hour session. No one knows where I am or what I am doing. Life is good!
Well let’s call it what it is; I’m on this revolution for myself and all women. I’m sick and tired of not being able to “have my funk and eat it too.” Everyone is entitled to have their moment, and space to have it… But not me. I have to suck it up, get over it, and deal because no one has time for my funk.
With another glass of wine and my girlfriend bringing out a spread of appetizers, I began to recite one of my speeches from my “give me liberty or give me death” series titled, “In my next life.” Yes this is my series of speeches that could go on and on for hours. But I decided for tonight to just break it down and take out all the fillers. So here I go: “In my next life I’m not doing men. I’m not doing marriage. I’m not doing kids. I’m not doing animals. I’m not doing cooking. And lastly, I’m not doing cleaning.”
Then my girlfriend asked, “So what is it that you’re going to do?”
I said, “I’m gonna do what I wanna do and that’s that!” I stood up from my chair with my wine in hand and began talking with great expression as if I was charging up a crowd of women. I said, “Sister’s, for the love of God, do you realize that we all bought into this package deal and we didn’t even bother to read the fine print? This is the longest contract of our lives and we signed it with our blood while blind folded. Yup, once again we didn’t do our homework or any research because we didn’t think we needed to. Now I know why they say ‘till death do us part’; because even if we try to cut all ties, somehow, someway, we will always be attached.” I sat back down on my chair and said, “I’m so riled up right now. I feel like driving down to JFK and booking a one way flight to the Fiji islands.” Then I took a sip of my wine and let the evening sunset have its way with me as I imagined I was on the beach.
Just then my girlfriend’s cell phone rang, she looked at the number, handed me the phone and said, “Your flight is canceled.” Dazed and confused I said, “What! What the hell are you talking about?” She said, “that island thing, it’s a no go.” Yup- they found me. I couldn’t even hide out in peace. How sad is that? I have nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. Have my funk and eat it too; how could I? I can’t even hide out at a girlfriend’s house to “de-funk” myself because I made the mistake of always letting everyone know where I was going, what I was doing, and giving them a phone number just in case of an emergency.
With nothing left to say I looked at my girlfriend and said, “Funk me!”