Get the Windex

               For me, the history of the Windex cleaner means much more than what it’s actually used for. I’ve been cleaning since I was a kid and it all started when my mom handed me a roll of Bounty and the Windex and said, “Go clean the bathroom mirror.”

                Something happens to a girl when she first holds a bottle of Windex; she begins to spray it on places that aren’t even Windex friendly. It makes her perform nonstop cleaning; making her a “Windex Warrior” and Mr. Clean doesn’t stand a chance. Honestly, I’m not here to promote Windex, but let’s face it; it’s quite the universal cleaner. No other cleaner allows you to start in the bathroom and end with cleaning your sneakers.

                When using the great powers of Windex, there are great responsibilities and life lessons to be learned. No other cleaner has greater impact on a person. When touched, it sends a subliminal message from the carrier to the receiver. Here are a few that were taught to me as a kid, all without a word spoken:

• A Windex bottle found in your bedroom means: Clean your room.
• If handed the Windex with a look to kill, it means: You forgot to clean, do it immediately or your ass is grass.
• If the Windex is slammed on the table in front of you or put on your lap, it means: Move your damn ass and help me. I’m tired and I’ve done enough today.
• If the Windex is handed to you before the dinner dishes are cleared, it means: This is a 15 minute warning to hurry up and clean because Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy will be on.

                Every time something had to be cleaned or an emergency spill occurred, my mother’s last famous words were, “Get the Windex.” Then, God forbid the Windex wasn’t put back in its place under the sink; the shit would hit the fan. It would be like a Category 5 hurricane hit. My mom would start screaming, “Where’s my goddamn Windex!”

                Besides hearing, “Get the Windex” all my life, it was the only cleaner I knew of that had the power to make or break relationships. If one follows the rules of the Windex, life is golden. The rules include: using it to clean everything, always putting it back where it belongs, and if it’s running low, be sure to tell the owner.

                If someone disrespects the Windex and the person holding it, it seems like a spell is cast upon this person who clearly doesn’t understand its power.

                A few times, I used the Windex as a weapon by spraying my son with it while he yelled, “You’re a crazy lady!” And I said, “Oh please, you have no idea what crazy is. Next time I’ll get out the fucking bleach and shoot your eye out!” He, of all people, should know not to mess with me because I’m a Windex Warrior!

                Many of my girlfriends grew up with the same Windex morals and values as I did and most of us still live by them today. Many relationships have failed due to the lack of understanding towards the power of the Windex; and, trust me… I’m living proof!

                One evening I decided to hold a dinner party with a few friends. As the night reached its final hour, I figured that I would pull out ole’ faithful, the Windex, to send out a signal that I was tired and ready to call it a night. Two of the couples left after the Windex made its appearance but the last couple remained seated with no reaction. After their continual storytelling, and continuously saying “one more drink,” I stopped putting out the snacks and started to clean again. I got the feeling that these people didn’t have any Windex background. So I tried some cleaning techniques like cleaning the inside of the cabinets and the walls. I even started to wash a window. I put the Windex on the table as a center piece but no one moved. At this point, I was so pissed that I just went about my business as if they weren’t even there. I put my pajama’s on and then came back to the table and began spraying it again only this time, aiming close to their drinks, hoping to make contact. I sat in my chair and even sprayed it in the air thinking maybe it would make them cough, but no such luck! Finally, I got up from my chair and slammed the Windex down on the table next to my husband and said, “Tag, you’re it. I’m going to bed!”

                He saw the look in my eyes, glanced at the time and said, “Wow, it’s late. We better call it a night, I’ve gotta get up soon.” So finally, at 3 am and an empty bottle of Windex, they left. Yup-I probably should have gotten out the bleach, but I was trying to be nice.

                For many, all it takes is the sight of the Windex bottle to understand the hidden message. For others, just hearing the command, “Get the Windex,” triggers them to get up, move their ass, and start cleaning. But for the few who only know Windex as just Windex, well, now you know why we’re not friends.