As this week brings the “out with the old, and in with the new,” and you’re taking down the decorations and the tree, make sure you don’t forget about the Christmas collection…..
Back in the day when the Christmas season hit, I couldn’t wait for December 1st just so I could unlock the Christmas drawer. Every year without fail, I would open up this drawer and reveal my 
treasure collection of Christmas clothes that I would wear for the entire month of December. You name it, I had it: Hats, scarves, sweaters, vests, turtlenecks, pants, socks, mittens, booties with bells, earrings, necklaces, and pins. At my peak, I had such a large selection that I could wear everything up until the 25th without wearing anything twice.
I started this collection on a very small scale, which was one or two things, back in B.C. (before children). Then soon after the kids were born my collection expanded to half a drawer. By the time the kids hit pre-school and elementary school, my collection grew to two drawers, half a closet pole, and its own jewelry box filled with my Christmas pin collection. Girl of my heart Madeline Albright would be ever so proud of me if I showed her my precious collection. Each December I dressed like one of Santa’s elves, spreading joy and candy canes to all the kids I came in contact with. From the schools to the stores, the kids would be drawn to me like a magnet. One year, I went through more candy canes in the month of December than three Halloweens combined. I was requested by my kids’ teachers, teachers from other classes, and other schools to make a memorable appearance at their Christmas parties. All with hopes from the kids that they would not only be given candy, but given a chance to be one of my chosen ones that I say me famous words to: “Come over here and pull my pin,” to see what my magic pin would do. From lighting up to singing songs to even squirting water, my Christmas pins were part of my signature Christmas attire that made me famous.
For almost a decade I dressed in my Christmas collection for the month of December acting as if I had a contract with the North Pole making $500 a week plus benefits to dress like an elf and spread Christmas cheer to all the kids. Then one day my Christmas collection gave me a reality check. While Christmas shopping one day, a woman in “street clothes” asked me what time Santa would be back to take a picture with her son. I looked at her and said, “I have no idea. Maybe you should ask someone at the service desk.” She replied, “I did, and they told me to find one of Santa’s elves and ask them.” I looked at her and said, “Um, sorry, I’m not one of the elves,” and she said, “Oh! I just figured by the way you were dressed that you were one of Santa’s workers.” That’s when it hit me. I was so flustered that I left the store as fast as I could, looking like I was running from the paparazzi. I got in my car, took off my Santa hat and my clip on Christmas tree earrings, pulled down my visor, opened up the mirror, looked at myself and said, “Oh my God. That broad thought I was a fucking elf. What the hell am I doing? I’m in my fucking thirties and I’m dressing like an elf?”
I went home, got a garbage bag, and began throwing all the Christmas clothes from my drawers, the Christmas jewelry from my jewelry box and all the Christmas clothes from my closet into the bag. I then took off my “elf costume” and since that day, I have never, ever dressed like an elf again. Many years later one day, while having wine with my girlfriend, I pulled out a blast from the past Christmas picture of me dressed up as an elf. As we laughed hysterically, all I kept saying was, “What the fuck was I thinking?” She responded, “Well, that was back in the day when all you did was drink coffee. You’ve come to your senses since you moved to wine and vodka.”
As I poured myself another glass of wine, I put my fur coat on and said, “What do you think about my Christmas collection now?!”