1. Q: What do you do all day? 

A: I sit on my ass and eat bon-bons.

2. Q: Why do you always have to yell? 

A: It’s not yelling, it’s called using my loud, loving voice.

3. Q: How do you always know when I’m sick?

A: I know everything, I do the laundry.

4. Q: Why do you ask so many questions?  

A: Because an enquiring mother wants to know.

5. Q: Why can’t you be like other mom’s that don’t care what their kids are doing? 

A: Because I choose to be different and that’s that.

6. Q: Why did you have kids?  

A: Because it was the next thing to do.

7. Q: Why did you marry Dad?  

A: I have been asking myself that question a lot lately, (while taking a sip of wine), all I can say is, he was different back in the day.

8. Q: Why do you always have to make things so complicated? 

A: FYFI, it’s not me it’s you!

9. Q: Why do you always have to get involved with my life? 

A: As long as you live in my house anything you say or do will be used against you. When you leave this house that’s when I won’t get involved with your life ever again. So maybe you should start thinking about getting a life and getting out of mine! But in the meantime, make yourself useful and get me a glass of wine.

10. Q: What’s for dinner tonight?

A: Everyone’s favorite, shit on a shingle.

1. My God we’re gonna be here all friggin night, look at the damn line.
2. The poor guy, how he suffered.
3. He was a nice guy.
4. He just retired and now he’s dead.
5. Jesus Christ, I just had coffee with the guy last week. What a shame.
6. Life’s too short we gotta live life to the fullest because we’re all gonna die.
7. Wow, he looks good.
8. I gotta get the hell out of here quick before these flowers make me have a sneezing fit.
9. Oh my God I can’t believe they showed up.
10. Look at the wife, she isn’t even crying.
11. My God, the only time I see you is when someone dies.
12. Yeah I’ll call ya, we’ll get together when things calm down.
13. Oh for Christ sake, these people are so dramatic.
14. I hate these family members.
15. Where the hell are we eating after this because I’m starving to death.
16. Who the hell is that guy over there? Do we even know him?
17. Wow, I betcha that casket cost about five grand.
18. That was a beautiful ceremony.
19. Let’s get the hell outta here, I need a drink.
20. Thank God it’s over.