- Your husband getting pissed off at your kid’s high school graduation because he’s hungry and wants to leave.
- Putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher with the clean ones that you forgot to unload.
- Your husband sleeping with Nascar blaring on the TV.
- Getting in your car after your son used it and feeling like you just sat in the dentist chair.
- When you wake your son up for work and he doesn’t respond but when he actually wakes up he yells at you for not telling him he’slate.
This is the name a mother gives her son while raising him through his teenage years. No other name is used more on a daily basis as a reminder of just how much his mother loves him by calling him what he truly is, a “Son” of a “Bitch.” It takes a good mother with excellent “bitch” qualities to raise a great man. As always, a mother’s gotta do what a mother’s gotta do; and may that Son of a bitch never forget it!
Lots of things that make up the personality of a woman are revealed in a number of things like the shoes she wears, her makeup, her perfume, and of course, the one size fits all universal gadget that she carries around with her . . . her purse. This is the one item every woman can share with each other no matter what size she wears. Yes, it is the only thing that, when worn, can put a spring in her step just by putting it over the shoulder.
I myself happen to be a purse fanatic. I started carrying a purse around at age five. I loved carrying all of my girly stuff in it like my Barbie dolls, make up, lip gloss, candy, and gum, along with stuff that had no specific purpose; and why? Well, it’s a thing all purse holders do which is considered rule #1: you always have to carry things in your purses that you hardly ever use because, “Ya never know.”
As a little girl, I loved sitting around with friends and emptying out our purses to see what we all had inside. It was a game we played for years, and if we liked what we saw, we got the chance to trade with each other. At one point I almost walked away with the entire strawberry short cake collection until a few of the girls decided that they no longer wanted to open up their purses and play the game. Well, I guess it’s something all girls have to come to terms with sooner or later, because as we evolve in our lives, leaving things a mystery to everyone is a girl’s trademark. Now even though we may not be so quick to share what’s on the inside of our purses, we will always follow rule #2: show off your purses to your girlfriends till the day you die!
Purse shopping has always been one of my favorite pastimes that I’ve enjoyed to do alone or with a friend. Through the years, I have gathered quite the collection and each one of them serves a purpose for any occasion that may arise. My largest collection is, of course, the “four season’s collection” which consists of all the purses I have that come in an array of colors, patterns, and materials in all shapes and sizes to compliment any of the four seasons! Then there’s the “Ya never know” collection that comes in handy for all the events in life like special occasions or holidays where a fancier purse is crucial. Lastly, there are the purses in my “precious gems collection” which are considered to be in a league of their own. These are ones like Armani, Coach, and Chanel that give me the most styling look to any outfit and make me look like a movie star.
Now, there is one more rule that all girls must follow and this is the most important rule of all: rule #3: never, ever, ever under any circumstances do you ever look in anyone’s purse. Looking in someone’s purse is not only a violation to their privacy and taboo, but in my eyes, grounds for possibly going to hell. As a kid I just knew to never go in my mother’s purse unless she said so.
One day, my son asked me for twenty bucks and I told him to get my purse. As he started to open it, I quickly grabbed it from his hand, swung it back and pitched him a fast hit right on the ass that brought him to his knees. As he was on the ground I said, “Don’t you ever try to go in my purse again, because if you ever do, ya never know what will happen to you next time.” He responded with, “Okay, I’m sorry, I get the point, you crazy bag lady,” and he got up off the floor holding his ass while limping to the chair. As he positioned himself on the chair, I noticed he was sitting on his right cheek because the left side of his ass was out. Trying not to laugh, I began picking some of the stuff that went flying out of my purse when I hit him in the ass like up my makeup and lip gloss. But then I glanced over to the far corner of the kitchen and saw that one of my, ya never knows was on the floor. It was one of my ten pound hand weights that I use in toning class that I forgot to take out of my purse. Looking back over to Sonny I noticed that he seemed like he was still in a little pain and I thought to myself, “Serves him right, I hope he has a black and blue ass now. That’s what he gets for looking in my purse and not following by the rules.” As I walked over to the table to give him one last hit (verbally) I said, “Now before I give you twenty bucks, there’s two things you better never forget . . . don’t you ever look in my purse again and don’t you ever, and I mean ever, call me a crazy bag lady ever again. You just remember Sonny that I’m the bitch that’s got it all in the bag.” And he better never forget it!
- Coming home from a night out to your son and his degenerate friends playing beer pong.
- Passing a guy mowing his lawn on the road with your windows open and all the grass flies in the car.
- When you think you could sleep in one morning and the guy next door wakes you up to the leaf blower but there aren’t any leaves.
- After trying on clothes in the fitting room at a store, you accidently open the door to walk out before putting your clothes back on.
- The fact that it’s now “swimsuit season” and you have to see your husband with no shirt on more often than you should.
Kick your kid’s ass with “good, strong” discipline just like when we were kids. This way when they leave and come back, it’s only for a visit.