Have you ever had one of those days where your brain is in over load thinking mode? When it’s so bad that you literally have to scream at yourself and begin yelling, “Shut up, Shut the hell up,”?
When I get like this, I know I am ready to hit the breaking point; and why do I always allow it to get to this point? Because I’m a thoughtful person who thinks of everyone first before herself. I have made it my quest in life to live by the words, “It’s the thought that counts.”
So, with that being said and the fact that I am a woman, I’ve been given great abilities to think at a level in which no man will ever understand. I was born programmed with this ability to think for everyone and tap into everyone’s emotions. I call myself the “Great OZ.”
But, even the Great OZ needs time to stop and regroup her thoughts because telling herself to shut the hell up just isn’t cutting it. So, I sat down one day to center myself and meditate for a few. But first, I had to go through the elimination process. As I began to focus on my breathing, I had to slowly stop the noise in my head. First up, the music: the damn background music that plays in my head 24/7. This is the reason why I never listen to the radio. Next is the daily grind chatter that fills my head with 10 million thoughts of what’s for dinner, the grocery store list, who needs appointments for the dentist, a haircut and God only knows what else, and thoughts of work and all its details (which is a world in itself). Finally, my family life: My husband, my kids, my extended family, and my friends. This is where the volume of thoughts is the loudest and where most of my thinking is focused on. It’s where I am the most thoughtful; where I focus my thoughts about everyone’s wellbeing, physically and emotionally. After about 20 minutes, the voices in each section began to stop.
I felt centered, calm, free of thought, and extremely peaceful. As I was enjoying this stillness, a thought came in and said, “Become a ‘thoughtless bitch.’ (Thoughtless: thought practiced with noninterference; allow everyone to think for themselves. Bitch: what a woman is called when she is honest with an, “I don’t give a damn attitude”). I opened my eyes and said, “From this day forward, I am a thoughtless bitch! I’m not going to be everyone’s daily reminder and life coach anymore. Yes, the Great OZ has spoken!”
I didn’t tell anyone I was now a thoughtless bitch. I just let them figure it out on their own. So, when situations arose with my kids or my husband that I usually became inundated with by giving them a twenty page research paper and a power point presentation, my words of wisdom to them were short and sweet. I just responded to everything they talked about with the word “whatever.” There is great hidden meaning behind this word depending on the tone used:
- Just saying the word “whatever” means just that: whatever.
- Whatever said at a fast pace means, “I don’t give a damn.” and “Leave me alone!”
- “Whateverrrrrr” means, “you’re a fucking asshole, get a life.”
- Mouthing “whatever” means, “fuck you.”
- My all time favorite: “What fucking ever” means, “I don’t fucking care, I’m so fucking done, I’m fucking outta here!”
One time my son was knocking at my bedroom door at 8:30pm to ask if we could talk. Without opening the door, I said, “It’s after 8—I told you I don’t do talks after 8 because then I can’t sleep thinking about your drama. We can talk about it tomorrow during business hours.” Well, after 10 minutes of him pleading, I knew that if I didn’t do something I would never rest.
So, I opened the door and said, “You had all day to talk. I’m not talking now. I told you and I meant it, I don’t do therapy after 8. If it’s that much of an emergency go wake up your father because he’s on call now. He’s your next of kin, your power of attorney, and on your organ donor list now, not me! So go sell crazy somewhere else, we’re all stocked up here. The Great OZ has spoken,” and I shut the door.
A thoughtless bitch? Maybe, maybe not. For me it has been an act of letting go. At first to everyone it seems like I don’t give a damn, but it’s quite the opposite. I care, but without allowing it to be hazardous to my health. I have given the greatest gift to everyone—the power to think for themselves—which, in turn, allows me to focus more on myself. I may come off as a thoughtless bitch to some, but they should know that it was one of the most thoughtful things I have ever done. God knows I’ll drink to that! One thing this thoughtless bitch knows for sure is, no matter how much thought she puts into anyone, whatever will be, will be! One day at a time…whateverrrr!