Christmas Dinner: One of the greatest conversation pieces to discuss with family is what will be on the menu for Christmas dinner. Every year without fail someone wants to do something different to change it up. But as tensions become high because no one can agree, a fight breaks out and we just end up following the same old shit menu that hasn’t changed since 1975.

Christmas Pajamas: Kids wearing matching pajamas on Christmas Eve holds a special place in my heart. But I have a problem when I see grown men in Christmas pajamas totally wasted from too many Christmas cocktails. It’s a sight that most would call, disturbing.

Christmas Pictures: Another “been there, done that” of mine. For years I used to take my kids Christmas pictures in July just to get it done before school started. Now I take pictures of not only my kids, but also my family and friends throughout the holiday season when they least expect it. There’s something about capturing  the “real” Christmas magic that happens at Christmas time when no one knows you’re gonna snap a picture.

Christmas List: Reading the kids Christmas list when they were young was always something I loved to do. The thrill of doing the late night run to Toys R Us to get everything on the list was always an adventure, not to mention hiding the gifts as well. But as they got older, making their lists became a thing of the past. One year my son\ was trying to renew his youth by handing me his Christmas list, when I opened it up it had one thing on it which said, “Quad.” I wrote back to him with, “GFY.” That was the last time he made a list.

Christmas Cookies: There is absolutely no way anyone can make it through the holiday season without eating at least one, or for most of us, one dozen of Christmas cookies. Chocolate peanut butter balls are my favorite and my guilty pleasure. Every year my sister in law makes her famous tray of Christmas cookies that are filled with plenty of balls. I’ve been known to swallow quite a few balls in seconds when no one is looking because I hate to share my balls with anyone. Every year my husband has the nerve to say that he has no idea what to get me for Christmas. And I always tell him, “All I want for Christmas is B and B, booze and balls!”

Christmas Trees: Whether you prefer your Christmas tree to be real, fake, short, tall, fat or skinny, decorated with colored lights or white lights, with garland or beads, with ribbons or bows, with balls, or no balls, and topped with an angel or a star, know for sure that you will be judged for the type of tree you have and the way it is decorated. Yes, its judgment day people and don’t let anyone tell you any different.

Christmas Lights: When it comes to decorating your house with lights, know for sure the minute the sun goes down the drive by’s will begin. Here’s something that I will never understand, people will travel near and far for a glimpse of Christmas lights to get them into the spirit of Christmas. Why not just open a bottle of vodka and park your ass in front of your own Christmas tree and call it a night?

Christmas Gifts: In my younger years, I shopped till I dropped just to make Christmas happen. Robbing Peter to pay Paul was my specialty because I’d do anything to fulfill everyone’s Christmas wish. Now that I am in the best years of my life, I cut out the majority of people on my list by moving them to the place where they belong, the shit list. No cards, no gifts, no problem; that’s my Christmas motto. Now I have more time to really enjoy the holiday season with family and friends so we can eat, drink, and be merry.

Christmas Parties: Whether you attend a black tie party in a hotel or an ugly Christmas sweater party in a garage, there’s something about Christmas parties that have the power to bring out a side in people that you only see once a year. As always, what goes on at the Christmas party stays at the Christmas party, one can only hope.

Christmas Candy: I happen to be the type of person that can’t have an open box of candy in front of me without eating the entire first layer. I don’t know if it’s an OCD thing or what but once I start I can’t stop. As every Christmas season approaches and since I know I have a problem, I’m not ashamed to ask for supervision if someone dares to break out a box of Christmas candy because for me, it’s better to be safe than sorry.

 Christmas Cocktails: What’s a holiday without booze? Not a holiday in my eyes, that’s for sure. I usually start my Christmas cocktail the week before Thanksgiving (it always gets me in the spirit) and I keep it going strong all the way to Valentine’s Day, because that’s usually how long it takes to come down from all the Christmas drama.

Christmas Songs: This is the only type of music that plays with your emotions and has the greatest impact on your heart and soul. Now, what usually sets the tone as to how Christmas songs play on your emotions all depends on if you had a “good year” or a “bad year.” Listening to Christmas songs with a good year to back you up always brings you tidings of comfort, joy and bonding with friends. On the other hand, listening to Christmas songs after having a year from hell can turn you into the incredible hulk without warning and can have serious effects on those around you. Ahhhhh, the sounds of the season. All it takes is one song and we find ourselves either making a toast or reaching for the Xanax.

Christmas Shows: Frosty The Snowman, Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, and my favorite, A Charlie Brown Christmas are a few of the all time classics that you are never too old to watch. Yup, watching these Christmas shows along with some Christmas cookies and spiked eggnog is what I call Christmas soul food!

Christmas Cards: Been there done that for many years. Now I have finally gotten up to speed with what the rest of the world is doing and I’ve gone paperless. My “Spirit of Christmas” is what I send to everyone now by saying, “Peace to my people and Merry Frickin’ Christmas.”

Christmas Decorations: I used to go crazy with decorations back in the day. I was so obsessed that I even had Christmas toilet paper. One time someone walked in my house and said, “Holy Christ, your house looks like a Christmas village, now all you need is Santa.” After that comment I thought to myself, maybe I’m taking this decorating thing way over the top. Today, all I do is put a Christmas center piece and place mats on the kitchen table and a candle in the living room and call it a day. 

Christmas Clothes: I used to have a closet full of Christmas clothes that I wore for the entire month of December. My favorites were my Christmas sweaters. Today, the new thing is to throw an “ugly Christmas sweater” party. Hell, if these parties were going on back in the day, I could’ve won an Oscar.

Well, now that Thanksgiving is here the official countdown to Christmas is under way. Once again, we can look forward to the most wonderful time of the year, which all starts the moment the knife makes the cut into the Thanksgiving turkey, for this is when the wounds of Christmas past become open again. The forgotten memories of times we shared with or without family members bring up emotions that have a powerful impact on each and every one of us.

There is no other time of the year that has such great emotional force on people than at Christmas time because dealing with the side effects that come with it can be a lifelong process to heal from. Whether we have fond childhood memories of Christmas or not, have Christmas secrets that we try to avoid but can’t because they always seem to find a way under our tree, or are living with the Christmas guilt from 20 years ago that weighs upon us like a ton of bricks, these are just a few of the “favorite things” that ‘tis the season brings to us and makes us want to do anything but go home for the holidays.

I happen to believe that there is a hidden meaning behind the words, “’Tis the season.” To me it just means dealing with the Christmas bullshit that is filled with mega doses of family members who annoy the hell out of you along with all the extracurricular activities that ‘tis the season requires. And mind you, this all has to be accomplished while trying to create peace on earth at the same time. It’s what I call the ‘tis the season challenge that guilt trips us every year to see who’s gonna be able to make it to Christmas Eve with a smile on their face. All I can say is, “’Tis the season, and good luck with that one.”

My favorite words of Christmas happen to be “Peace on earth.” Yup, good old peace on earth. There’s just something about saying the words peace on earth to someone that triggers a miracle to happen. One time some years back while I was shopping for my Thanksgiving dinner, walking around the store proud as a peacock with my turkey sitting up in the cart like a baby, I had a gut feeling that I was being followed. As I continued shopping, ignoring my instincts, I turned away from my cart for two seconds to get some apples and my baby was gone. Someone kidnapped my turkey. As my adrenaline was pumping and my eyes scanned the room, I saw my turkey stalker running for the door. As I ran like hell after her ready to plow her down with my cart, a fellow shopper in the produce section stopped me in my tracks. She looked at me and said, “Don’t waste your time on her she’s a regular at stealing turkeys, I’ve seen her around. It’s a shame that some people just can’t create peace on earth, even at Christmas time. But I know a way that you can. That cart in the florist section is hers and all the food in it is paid for.” Then she gave me a wink and said, “Peace on earth.” And I said, “Good will to men.” I walked over to the cart, took it outside and gave it the Salvation Army guy. Ringing his bell all happy and cheerful, I handed the cart over to him and said, “Peace on earth,” and I walked to my car without a care in the world. It’s funny how you just never know what life has in store for you one minute to the next. From the distance I could hear the Salvation Army guy yelling, “Thank you so much, God bless you, peace to my sister and Merry Christmas!” And I yelled back to him saying, “Let there be peace on earth my brother and let it begin with me!” He responded, “You go girl!”

As I drove away with no Thanksgiving food for myself, I really didn’t give a damn, all I kept thinking was that this ‘tis the season episode that I just experienced is worth toasting to. When I got home I made myself an apple martini, put on some Johnny Mathis and had a peace on earth moment for myself.

So here’s the deal; as the emotions and drama of the Christmas season encounter us in ways we least expect, may we find the peace we need in a bottle of vodka, because the only way to create peace on earth is by taking care of ourselves first. Happy Thanksgiving and cheers to the opening day of, “’Tis the season.”

         From as far back as I could remember I always enjoyed cooking. I learned how to cook like most girls by watching my mother and from taking Home Economics class in school. My basic baking skills also started at a very young age with my all time favorite, the easy bake oven. As I got older and gained more cooking experience from watching Julia Child and studying my Betty Crocker cookbook, it was only natural for me to expand my cooking skills to new horizons. When I got married and had kids I ventured deeper into the cooking world with more confidence and courage and at that point, I decided to make all of my entrees’ from scratch. Yes, I had the itch and I was determined to scratch it.

        Now as we all know, there is great responsibility when you cross over to scratch cooking. The weekly planning, the grocery shopping, and the time it takes to prepare gourmet meals and extreme self discipline and dedication. But even with all that, scratch cooking always made me hungry for more, though I must admit that many times my scratch dinners left me with a bad taste in my mouth because of the constant whines and complaints from the kids. It never failed that if they didn’t like what they saw or what the name of the meal was they would say, “Can we just have chicken nuggets and fries instead?” This used to aggravate the hell out of me because I put my heart and soul into each meal. Many times my husband was a no show for dinner because four out of five nights he worked late. By the time he came home from work exhausted from the day his famous words to me were, “I’m not hungry.” Or, “I’m all set, I already ate.” So after many years of dealing with the constant complaints and the no shows, I decided to hang up my Julia Child apron and told everyone to go scratch my ass.

             For awhile I went on strike and didn’t give a damn what I cooked and if anyone even ate at all. My days of scratch meals with fancy names that I made up to make the dinners exciting were nothing more than just fond memories that I truly missed. I’ll never forget when strike day 11 hit; I opened up a bottle of wine, flicked on the food network and prayed to Jesus that he save me from my scratch cooking blues. I was at my wits end, going through major withdrawals from not driving to the grocery store every other day and not to mention that I was literally getting sick and tired of eating Campbell’s soup, Swanson TV dinners, chicken nuggets, fries, macaroni and cheese, hot dogs and frozen pizza.

         As I sat back on the couch and rose my glass to the almighty, I said, “Jesus I can’t take this anymore, I’m bitchy and I’m bloated. This way of eating is not for me and my family, even though I can’t stand any of them right now. So can you please help me find a way to make a nice meal from scratch that doesn’t take hours to prepare? Now it would be greatly appreciated if you answer my prayer a.s.a.p. since I am the one that is feeding your people!” Just then I took a sip of my wine, looked at the TV and got the answer to my prayer, Rachael Ray 30 – Minute Meals. Yup, there she was; my angel and new BFF who gave me my mojo back. She taught me a new way of cooking that I called, “cook…but don’t cook.” Rachael gave me great insight to use my imagination and have fun by making up my own recipes, and that’s exactly what I did. I crossed over from my old world way of cooking everything “ala Leanne” style to my new world style, “Cook… but don’t cook.”

      One afternoon while watching Rachael with my glass of wine, my son came home from work and said, “Wow it smells good in here, is dinner almost ready, I’m starving.” I said, “Quite down Sonny, I’m in cook therapy we’ll talk when my session is over.” When cook therapy was over I let Sonny have a taste. As I took the dinner out of the oven he said, “Wow, what do we have here, ‘chicken ala mother’?” I took a sip of my wine and said, “No it’s called, half-assed breaded chicken that will be served with mashed potatoes and exlax gravy.” As he cut a piece of the chicken and tasted it he said, “This half-assed chicken is delicious, this must have taken you all day.” I said, “Hell no, I don’t waste my time on you people like that anymore. Those days are long gone since I’ve started cook therapy.” Just then Sonny looked over on the counter and saw the crock pot and said, “I take it tomorrow night’s dinner is something in the crock pot.” “Yup, mystery dinner.” I said. And he said, “What’s it called?” Taking yet another sip of my wine I said, “Crock of shit.” And he said, “Well count me in, I love crock of shit.”

And so the story goes; eat well and laugh often; cook…but don’t cook. Great words to live by, Cheers!