Here’s what a woman does when she’s awaken by her inner savage beast:

She drags her ass out of bed to change her soaking wet pajamas and knows for sure that she’s not going back to bed anytime soon. Yup, once again, “Peri” has drenched her with her presence by saying, “Get your sorry ass up it’s time for girls night, ‘perimenopause style’ that is, and I’m not taking no for an answer!”

She sits on the bathroom floor pissed off, cold, exhausted, and wired and begins to have a bitch session with Jesus about her how unhappy she is with her life and then she cries her eyes out.

She goes on a binge and eats a hot fudge sundae, a bag of chips, and two boxes of Girl Scout cookies all while watching an Insanity infomercial and then calls herself a fat ass bitch.

She gets emotional and decides to write a heartfelt letter to an estranged family member that she hasn’t talk to in years.

She makes herself a cup of tea to relax her inner savage beast and then makes a toast to everyone in the house by saying, “I hope you guys all rest in peace because tomorrow the bitch is back with a vengeance!”

She pulls out old photo albums from back in the day and starts reminiscing about the good ole days and then starts crying again.

She lies on the couch, stares at the ceiling and has a crazy thought about how she would love to just walk out the door while everyone is sleeping and never come back.

She gets up from the couch, pours herself a glass of wine and says, “Oh my God, I’m gonna go to hell for thinking thoughts about leaving my family. I’m a shitty mother, a terrible wife, and a rotten person. Oh God….just shoot me now!”

She starts to do something constructive like rearranging the kitchen cabinets to keep her mind occupied so that “Peri’s” self sabotaging thoughts won’t bully her as the night slowly passes.

She tip toes into her kid’s room and sends them a loving motherly message telepathically and says, “You frickin’ kids better be on your best behavior tomorrow or your ass is grass.” Then she walks into her bedroom to find her husband snoring and fast asleep and she puts a sticky note on his night stand that says, “P.S. I hate you,” and she walks away in total disgust and begins to cry…. Again.

At this point she starts hot flashing, sits back down on the couch, looks at the time and comes to her senses. She tears up the heartfelt letter to her family member and throws it in the garbage, takes her last sip of wine and gives “Peri” the peace sign with one finger and says, “F.Y.F.I. Peri, this is the last damn time that I will ever do girl’s night with you again because tomorrow night you are gonna have to deal with two of my favorite broads that are gonna take your ass down for good, Ativan and Lunesta. Peace out bitch!”

• Wake me when it’s over.
• Something just ain’t right here.
• Why am I still here?
• What the hell is going on?!
• I’m sleeping with the enemy, all he does is fart and snore.
• I’d like to bitch slap my younger self for thinking she was gonna change him.
• This is bullshit.
• Vodka…take me away.
• Xanax…take me away.
• I’m calling wife swap.
• Now what?
• The comfort zone sucks.
• It’s time to revise the contract.
• Can’t we just be friends?!
• Fuck ‘em, I think I’m gonna serve his ass papers.
• I really don’t give a shit any more.
• When hope is not enough there’s always booze.
• I blame my mother-in-law for this.
• I hate his guts.
• The only way to make it through is to have a “stiff one” every night. Yup, good old double vodka on the rocks with a twist of lime. Hell, after a couple of those it’s smooth sailin’ to Fantasy Island.

1. You go out to dinner together and the only thing that speaks is the silence.
2. You can read each other’s minds and finish each other’s sentences.
3. Telepathic sex becomes the new frontier.
4. You talk about the kids or the weather to make conversation when you’re at a loss for words.
5. Extended family issues don’t rock your world anymore especially since you’ve started taking “fuck-it-all.”
6. You accept the things you can’t change till death do you part; like your husband’s snoring and farting.
7. You ignore 90% of what each other talks about because, 1.) You really don’t give a damn. 2.) It keeps the peace.
8. You’ve reached the point called, “it is what it is.” Sleeping together literally means sleeping together.
9. You sing, “Come on baby light my fire” to the new flame in your life called Kindle.
10. Both of you have mastered the “marriage lingo” by knowing when a command is given such as, a certain look or a hand gesture you know exactly what to do. And if by chance you don’t, rest assure that you will be given the peace sign with one finger!

You know your man is going through manopause when………..

1. Your kids are grown and off to college and he brings home a dog.
2. He complains about everything and gets easily agitated if he gets a hair across his ass.
3. Without fail he falls asleep on the couch every night by 7 o’clock.
4. He gets upset easily and flies off the handle when his kids joke around with him, due to hormonal imbalances from manopause.
5. He suffers from Creature of Habit Syndrome which is; his inability to deal with change. This is the most common side effect that men suffer from during manopause.
6. He doesn’t dress to impress anymore because to him those days are long gone.
7. He watches shows from back in the day like, Happy Days and The Dukes of Hazzard.
8. He thinks that going out to dinner and staying out past 9 o’clock is late.
9. He uses words like, piddle, putts, and tinker to describe what he did over the weekend to his fellow manopause men.
10. His favorite pastime is to do whatever he wants in his own world and play with his big boy toys.
11. Bodily noises happen more frequently and he never excuses himself or apologizes for his actions. The only thing he says is, “I can’t help it.”
12. He gets hot flashes and feels faint in crowded, noisy areas.
13. He will only answer to you after you call his name three times in a row.
14. He throws a temper tantrum if you tell him he has to wear a suit.
15. He puts mega amounts of powder all over his body after he takes a shower.
16. He not only talks to himself, but he has full blown conversations.
17. When you need to talk to him about a family situation that needs to be addressed, he blocks everything out and resumes manopause position, which is, sitting on the couch, grabbing the remote, and grabbing his crotch.
18. If he seems very into the conversation you are having with him and says, “Wow that’s great.” Or, “Yeah, I hear ya.” Don’t be fooled. It’s not because he’s interested, it’s because he’s wearing his wife blockers.
19. When you are telling him a story about someone and he cuts you off by saying, “I don’t give a rat’s ass about what the hell you’re talking about,” know for sure that the wife blockers aren’t in. And if he says, “I don’t give a flying rat’s ass what the hell you’re talking about,” just walk away and pour yourself a glass of wine because all women know that you can’t talk to a man when he has his period.
20. When he says, “Do whatever you want, I don’t care,” what he is really saying is, “Leave me the hell alone with that stupid bullshit I don’t have time to listen to nonsense, you deal, I just wanna be left alone in my own world.”

And lastly, this is my favorite; you try to make a move on him and he turns you down by saying, “Not tonight honey, I have a headache.” Yup, only a man in manopause would say that!

Since I, along with everyone else in America have to deal with the fiscal cliff, I think it’s time to pass on some fiscal cliff rules to our teenagers because let’s face it, they are the only ones who never feel a damn thing when change happens. So here’s the deal, if we gotta pay they’re gonna pay too. At this point they have no other choice but to suck it up and smile because they have nowhere else to go and whether they like it or not, the “house” always rules. Yes, it’s pay it forward time kids. Welcome to our side of the hood, (adulthood). Now let’s see if you can hang.

1. Bail out is over, “the get out of jail free” card has expired.
2. Don’t text me a bill and expect payment because you performed chores around my house. The “pass go and collect two hundred dollars” card only works in monopoly.
3. From this day forward there will be a cover charge for any of your friends that sleep over my house, eat my food, and drink my booze.
4. If you are having a problem paying your bills, think budget cuts, it’s as simple as a,b,c. A.)Break up with your girlfriend. B.) Quit smoking. C.) Stop being a taxi cab service for your degenerate friends.
5. Story time is over. No more sob stories about how hard it is for you to get your life started. How the hell do you think I feel? You’re still here.
6. It’s not my problem that you lost your “millionaires gold club” card because you couldn’t make payment. Due to fiscal cliff the only card that is accepted in this house is, “will work for food.”
7. Playing the “pass the buck” game is over because the buck stops here. The new game of the house is called, “buck up and buckle down.”
8. Can’t find a job? Try following the “God helps those who help themselves” rule and do whatever it takes to make money. God will see your progress and always have a job lined up for you then reward you by keeping your ass off the Boulevard of Broken Dreams.
9. Performing random acts of kindness will earn you points for your benefit. Cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, and offering to take your mother out to dinner every once in a while gives you a chance to accumulate “yes” points for future use when you are shy on cash or need to use my car.
10. Lastly, and may you never forget, learning to take full responsibility for your life and understanding that “you are your choices” will always keep you from falling over the cliff.

Cheers and peace out: welcome to my world!