Here’s what a woman does when she’s awaken by her inner savage beast:
She drags her ass out of bed to change her soaking wet pajamas and knows for sure that she’s not going back to bed anytime soon. Yup, once again, “Peri” has drenched her with her presence by saying, “Get your sorry ass up it’s time for girls night, ‘perimenopause style’ that is, and I’m not taking no for an answer!”
She sits on the bathroom floor pissed off, cold, exhausted, and wired and begins to have a bitch session with Jesus about her how unhappy she is with her life and then she cries her eyes out.
She goes on a binge and eats a hot fudge sundae, a bag of chips, and two boxes of Girl Scout cookies all while watching an Insanity infomercial and then calls herself a fat ass bitch.
She gets emotional and decides to write a heartfelt letter to an estranged family member that she hasn’t talk to in years.
She makes herself a cup of tea to relax her inner savage beast and then makes a toast to everyone in the house by saying, “I hope you guys all rest in peace because tomorrow the bitch is back with a vengeance!”
She pulls out old photo albums from back in the day and starts reminiscing about the good ole days and then starts crying again.
She lies on the couch, stares at the ceiling and has a crazy thought about how she would love to just walk out the door while everyone is sleeping and never come back.
She gets up from the couch, pours herself a glass of wine and says, “Oh my God, I’m gonna go to hell for thinking thoughts about leaving my family. I’m a shitty mother, a terrible wife, and a rotten person. Oh God….just shoot me now!”
She starts to do something constructive like rearranging the kitchen cabinets to keep her mind occupied so that “Peri’s” self sabotaging thoughts won’t bully her as the night slowly passes.
She tip toes into her kid’s room and sends them a loving motherly message telepathically and says, “You frickin’ kids better be on your best behavior tomorrow or your ass is grass.” Then she walks into her bedroom to find her husband snoring and fast asleep and she puts a sticky note on his night stand that says, “P.S. I hate you,” and she walks away in total disgust and begins to cry…. Again.
At this point she starts hot flashing, sits back down on the couch, looks at the time and comes to her senses. She tears up the heartfelt letter to her family member and throws it in the garbage, takes her last sip of wine and gives “Peri” the peace sign with one finger and says, “F.Y.F.I. Peri, this is the last damn time that I will ever do girl’s night with you again because tomorrow night you are gonna have to deal with two of my favorite broads that are gonna take your ass down for good, Ativan and Lunesta. Peace out bitch!”