If your lips and teeth are tinted purple the morning after a night out with the girls, you know damn well it was a good night.
- Leftovers: Married or still lives with mommy.
- Sandwich: with mold on it: Made by wife.
- Grinder in paper: Man stopped at store, wife didn’t go shopping. He is pissed because it made him late for work and he can’t believe how expensive lunch is.
- No crust on sandwich, goldfish crackers and gummies: Has kids he made their lunch and his.
- Block of cheese, sleeve of Ritz and a stick of pepperoni: Massive blowout with wife. She is on strike and he made his own lunch.
- Sandwich with a note inside: New broad, had sex, it won’t last.
- Peanut butter and jelly on a Portuguese roll: Mom made lunch, Italian background, had no deli meat. So he was given the Italian version of the American classic.
- Salad, Slim fast bars, Slim fast shake and chocolate cheese cake: College guy on a diet (so to speak). He thinks he can eat the cheese cake because he had a light lunch, total fucking dork.
- Labeled containers, cloth napkins and real utensils: A control freak with OCD.
- No lunch, just cigarettes and coffee: He’s too cool, claims he only eats once a day and has for years. Stops at the bar for happy hour after work every day. Married three times.
- Getting rear ended in McDonalds drive thru.
- Running to answer the phone and you sprain your ankle on the dog’s toy.
- Your husband saying, “Fuck Me” because he forgot to make reservations for Mother’s Day brunch.
- Your daughter moving home from college for the summer.
- Middle aged women who have no balls.
A mother holding a wooden spoon or a mother holding a martini?
When I became a mother, I made “rank” to enjoy the benefits of the ultimate holiday for all mothers: mother’s day. From that day forward, it was up to my husband and kids to honor this day and to never forget it for the rest of their lives.
New to motherhood, I thought that I was supposed to feel different on mother’s day; kinda like I was waiting for something to happen but it never did. The day didn’t feel any different to me. I still had to get up and take care of the kids just like any another day. Lots of times I found myself periodically looking up to the sky like as if I were waiting for a sign from above to appear, like an airplane flying by with a specialized banner made just for me that read, “Hey Leanne, Happy Mother’s Day,” but there was no such luck. So I wondered to myself, when the hell am I supposed to feel like a true “Queen” on mother’s day?
As the kids got older and were in school, mother’s day started to feel like something to me. The cherished gifts they made for me that touched my heart, like the handmade cards with love notes inside, the numerous bouquets of paper flowers, plants, magnets and drawings were the start to finally feeling something different.
But, it always seemed like even though I was a mother, I still felt the pressure of making the “other mothers” in my life that were of “higher rank” first in line on mother’s day before myself. Yup- my life would be a living hell if, I didn’t make “the rounds” and pay my respects to them on mother’s day. So once again, my queen for the day recognition was put on the back burner because they had seniority over me.
Through the years, mother’s day seemed to take its toll on me. From what I experienced, there was no other day of the year where more “guilt trip spells” were cast out to the world than on mother’s day. At this point, I felt like I was lied to by everyone about mother’s day because I was slowly figuring out that this day was never gonna be my own until the higher rank mothers honored me and allowed me to be part of the team. . . And we all know that wasn’t gonna happen anytime soon. I remember getting so mad one day while picking out mother’s day cards, to the point where I had to leave the store because frickin Hallmark was pissing me off. “When you care enough to send the very best” is bullshit, especially to a rookie mother, because the love these cards were sharing was something I sure as hell wasn’t feeling.
One day while looking at the calendar I became aggravated because mother’s day was quickly approaching, so I poured myself a glass of wine and I said, “Why the hell does mother’s day have to be so damn complicated? And when the hell am I ever gonna make queen for the day?” As I sat and pondered these questions, a loud voice from above said, “Start makin the announcement and things will change.” So I stood up from my chair, held my wine glass up high and said, “That’s it, I’m makin’ the announcement!” It was the bitch slap I needed to start honoring myself as a mother, because if I don’t then no one else will. I then blew a kiss to the sky and said, “Thanks Mother Nature, as always, you have my back.” She is one woman that makes it her quest in life to make sure that no mother is left behind. From that day forward I decided that I’m makin’ the announcement to everyone that mother’s day is now going to be done my way.
As mother’s day countdown approached, I began making the announcement to my husband and kids (because I care enough to send the very best) by giving them clues as to how I expected my “queen for the day” extravaganza to be played out; and I wasn’t gonna settle for anything less than the ultimate Hallmark experience. So I said, “Read my lips people, next Sunday is mother’s day so not only do I want to ‘feel’ the love, I want to ‘see’ the love. So you’ve got one week to get your shit together. And all I can say is, God help you if you don’t all pull through because not only will I never let you live it down, Mother Nature won’t either and she’s one broad you don’t want to cross, now get to work!”
Back in the day, like most new mother’s, I took whatever was given to me and did whatever I had to do to make the day special for everyone by sacrificing myself because I was new in the game. But after I started making the announcement, life changed. I got what I wanted and became the queen of my mother’s day.
And so my dear sisters, let me leave you with one final announcement: May you be honored for the mother you are with the ultimate gift, the “Hallmark Gold Crown”, the official queen for the day pass that defines the true meaning of a mother, “When you care enough to send the very best.”
Happy Mother’s Day, Cheers!